jjessicajoyy

If you love them, let them go.

Isn’t that how the saying goes? I never understood that until now. The last 3 years of my life has been the greatest story to tell. It’s fairly simple. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl falls in love back. Girl leaves for boy. Boy takes care of girl. Boy and girl live happy until… the crap comes through. Boy takes care of girl. Girl takes care of boy until they can’t take care of each other anymore…then boy leaves.

Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m so upset. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I’m so heartbroken. I asked for this. I prayed for this. This whole situation gave me everything I wanted. I always asked for God to reveal Himself to me in a way that’s crystal clear and He finally did and I couldn’t question it. I just never knew that Him revealing Himself to me would hurt so much. It’s so weird to go from happy and secure to alone. Honestly, I can’t help but be mad at God. Why is He doing this to me? Why is He taking everything that means something to me away? Why does He constantly make my life a roller coaster? It hurts. By all means it, for lack of a better word, sucks.

I guess this is what I needed. I’m thankful for the struggle but I’m still trying to understand it.

When you love someone, you do what’s best for them. I know letting him go was the best thing I could do for him. I know that lifting him up to God was the only thing that could save him. Sometimes I get jealous because… in all honesty. I wanted it to be me. I wanted to save him. I wanted to help him. I wanted to be his everything. But I think this separation was meant to save me too. The more I look at it, the more I realize that I wasn’t in the right spot. That I was doing things that I thought God wanted me to do but, in fact, it was what I wanted to do disguised by what I thought God’s will was because it was what I saw Him expect from others. I’ve come to realize that what God expects from everyone else on earth is not what He expects from me. Me and God are completely different from you and God. God will ask me to do things that He won’t ask you to do.

I don’t know what comes next. I know that if God presents me an opportunity to be happy again that I would jump on it. As hard as it is to say, maybe the strongest God- willed relationship I can have isn’t with Chris. Maybe it is with someone else. Maybe it’s not even with another person. Maybe I’m meant to be alone. All I know, is that staying faithful right now is hard. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between up and down and left and right. But I’m trying to let Jesus take the wheel here… I just don’t know how. I feel lost and afraid and sad and lonely and mad and depressed and totally not me. I feel like I’m being completely broken down and stripped of everything… but maybe it’s what I need.

I heard this illustration once about people thinking of happiness as a destination. What is it really? People say that they’ll be happy once they succeed. They’ll be happy once they accomplish this, receive that or end up married in the burbs with their 4 bedroom house, white picket fence and their big yellow lab. Maybe happiness is just a feeling. Maybe happiness isn’t what you find in another person or material things. Maybe happiness is just being content. Being okay with what you have and don’t have. I think that’s where I went wrong. I thought happiness was something I could find in a person. That having someone was the only thing that could make me stand up. Maybe I just needed to realize that if I can’t do it alone, I can’t do it with someone else?

Hell, I don’t know!

I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just want God to show me what’s next. I just want to be okay with this and everything that’s going on. I just want my heart to glue itself back together.

eofhes;ohes;oghe